Admit It...

Try as you might,
You desperately want to hear,
Confessions that might bring you cheer
But did it ever occur to you
What may happen if I do?

Lay my cards on top
All for everyone to see.
But did you ever stop
To think what will be
Left for me if I must yield?

You've had yours kept
safely tucked inside;
No denials, no pressures
I gladly paced mine with yours.
So all I ask of thee
Is to please let it be
Till time tells what else should be.

If you indeed must know;
Then one thing I need to know;
Will you be able to reciprocate
This nagging thing constantly bothering me.

If you won't
Then please let me know
Les I put my hopes
In all nothing but show

For this thing is a two way street;
One way or another
We have the option to meet
Someday, somehow, somewhat, somewhere
God will know who goes where.

Intensity 10

Started the day with a heavy heart. In my sorrowful mysteries last night, I was able to cheezily compose a forwarded message that suited my needs. Partly it conveyed a message to the reader not to mislead a person when there is no intention to go further.

Thus I got what I've asked for. No texts, no nothing. Nada. Lunchtime came and went. Was really tempted to sneak a text but fought against my wills to do so. Luckily it won over. A little later, received a text asking me whether I'd like to buy the lights I'd asked earlier this week (when complications were not yet there). Asked for more discounts, and an explanation for the voltages (that just to be able to text back). And took a really long while for the reply to come. During the waiting period, there were flashes of anger and hot temperedness within me that I should just release to the people involved in this entire thing. Hidden frustrations with their dysfunctionality seem to emerge and throw this volcano into a full eruption as it spit and spat everywhere. It has really been a long time since I had such intense emotions boiling within me, wanting to break out. For I thought I had it tamed. And it will be if their dysfunctionality will not hurt anyone I know and care about. (Although I know submission is virtue) But the thought of actually losing.... it was too much for me to bear. Thus they have to bear with my grunts and willfull spites. I thought that just let me be this way for a few days, until I wear myself out, then I'll be ok. Just as i used to vent out my frustrations before.

But suddenly, out of the blue (i didn't even hear the beep), i saw the message, (Badmin this sat?) and this once fierce looking monster calmed down and learned to smile again. (But of course hiding it from them, fearing they'd eat me alive if they knew...)


June 14, 2007

Sit dwan...

This is actually a chinese term... term that stands for those being feeling loss due to heart matters. (or something to that sort). Had been feeling it lately, when the text of that someone special is missed, and you wonder if its because of work or was it because of the revelation I gave regarding my dysfunctional status. Its the point where one loses appetite and the spark to do normal chores. Its when everything seems dull in color. I had experienced it once, that was during the reign of oxie. And now that I thought I had found "the one", right there essentially, everything must go on smoothly, but it seems that this is going to be another round of heartaches and loss hope. Must I experience this again dear Lord? Just once more grant me your strength to face this. And give me another one so that this curse will be broken and I can go my merry way.

June 13, 2007 7:37pm

oxyMoRon Anyone?

This season is another season of heartaches and another round of sorrowful mysteries.. ^^ I thought I have finally found someone but I guess that no one can withstand the pressures of the family (all the more that of my family) ^^ (as they say... matira ang matibay) hehee..

Looking back at my journal, I can't believe how one sided the love i had for that one creature in my life. Now I laugh at the entry that I had seriously written down two years ago, Dec 21 of 05

"Hwee kee" (noun) - defined as oxie, similar to oxiemoron, misleading, does not take initiative, well versed in mandarin, fookien, kewl, sabi-shi-i-desu, thao-ke, multivitamins (3x a day text), proud, man of many words, magnet of gays/gals, good cook. lobster eater, korean lolo entertainer, loyal to his gf, inconsistent texter, numb, busy, workaholic, enzo friend, fudge slave, risk taker, hated and loved at the same time, stealer of thoughts, hoops and yoyo fan, driver, rebellious, outgoing, unmovable, bittersweet, spontaneous, igniter of false hopes, proud, mother of pearl...

and i could really go on and on about this guy, for this was one person who invaded my thoughts for the past unknown (X) years where X is infinite.

june 13 2007

Random Heart Ramblings

Just had an after dinner treat with my high school friends last night. And the age old question: why did you break up came up once again. Of course I used the ever universal answer that its because of my *toot* *toot* but in reality, (yes its already 1230am and am still reflecting on such trivial matters), the reason lies not on other's problems but with my own.

Love, as i have learned and experienced, should not be based on merely feelings itself but rather on commitment and respect. These two I personally did not have during my immature years and when I grew tired of everything, I just gave it all up and tried waiting for my own adventure. But alas, God had other plans and miraculously didn't allow any other soul bear the foul play of my supposed immaturity. Life is a series of lessons. Most often than not I blame (and try to find blame) in others and not See the lessons behind.

I am not saying that I have grown up. Grown ups are boring, talk of jibberish and politics (because they can't discuss sensitive issues, and waste time by doing so). I still am giggly (ok not that giggly coz relationships aren't new issues for me) when I talk the "whose who-couples" with my friends. Its just that, when my turn comes (that is given the chance), hopefully, I'll be able to give my bestest shot at it and try to appreciate and learn from it.